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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28076760">Rewind Into The Future</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/IndigoJuly/pseuds/IndigoJuly'>IndigoJuly</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supergirl (TV 2015)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/F, Gender Dysphoria, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid!Lucy, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Character Death, Multi, Other</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 18:15:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,312</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28076760</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/IndigoJuly/pseuds/IndigoJuly</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucy may not have had the closest relationship to her sister Lois, but she never wanted her to die. </p><p>An exploration of grief and mourning, Director Sanvers, and genderfluid!Lucy/Leon. Chapters can stand alone.</p><p>(1) Lucy &amp; angst/comfort. (2) Leon &amp; having to be closeted. (3) Leon &amp; not getting to come out to Lois. (4) Lucy/Leon &amp; memories and items. (5) Lucy &amp; grief/comfort.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alex Danvers/Lucy Lane/Maggie Sawyer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Notification</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>CW: This is an angsty fic that centers on Lucy coping with Lois's death. Please don't read if you aren't in the right headspace for it.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It’s a quiet morning when Lucy gets the call. Lazy Sunday morning cuddles with Alex and Maggie and then coffee and pancakes left her peaceful for once. So when a call from her dad interrupts the soft voices of her girlfriends discussing some science experiment she actually vaguely understands for once, she decides that nothing Major Lane says will stop her from enjoying this morning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dad,” she picks the call up at the table. Figures she can keep it short and to the point. If it’s a new DEO assignment, she’ll ask him to send over the details so she can look it over tomorrow. This is the first real day where all three of them have a full day off and none of them are preoccupied by an ongoing case. Nothing is going to take this much needed break away from her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lucy,” he starts, slightly gruff as usual. DEO assignment then. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But then the next words coming out of her phone don’t make any sense. It’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>Lois</span>
  </em>
  <span> and </span>
  <em>
    <span>tragic accident</span>
  </em>
  <span> and </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m sorry</span>
  </em>
  <span> and she understands the words, but as they bounce around in her head, they don’t make </span>
  <em>
    <span>sense</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She says something back, but it’s automatic and once it’s out of her mouth she can’t recall what it was. He hangs up but the words keep repeating in her brain. She turns them over and over in her mind but they won’t come together and make sense—</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Luce.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s soft and hushed in between the silence of the room that’s suddenly oppressive against the whirlwind of her mind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everything is moving in slow motion but instantly all at once. Her phone is on the table again </span>
  <em>
    <span>when did it get there</span>
  </em>
  <span> Alex’s hand is creeping towards hers </span>
  <em>
    <span>slow so Lucy can react or slow since time has stretched out in this moment?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex’s fingers brush over Lucy’s and her mind slams back into her body. Her whole body twitches and at the words “Lucy, breathe” her lungs draw in a breath that’s harsh and grating and </span>
  <em>
    <span>when did her heart start beating that fast?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Someone is talking to her over the thud of her heart. Maggie, it’s Maggie murmuring “Good, in and out,” over the words jumbled inside her head, while Alex’s thumb brushes across the back of Lucy’s hand. “Come on, let’s lie down.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She’s guided back to bed. Alex sits back against the pillows, opens her arms and tilts her head just like Maggie, a question on her face. Lucy can’t seem to make words work, just climbs onto the bed and presses her back to Alex, soaks up her warmth and her strength and her stability when her arms come to wrap around Lucy. Maggie sits in front, offering her hands to Lucy and smiles slightly when she takes them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lucy focuses on the way Alex’s body expands into Lucy’s when she breathes, the way Maggie’s hands cradle hers firm but gentle. And slowly, slowly, but all too quick, Lucy comes back to herself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to talk?” Maggie’s quiet voice shatters the idea that, maybe this didn’t happen. Maybe everything is fine or maybe they can skip past this pain or maybe she can pretend that nothing hurts at all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lucy curls in on herself and refuses to talk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We heard, over the phone.” Alex this time, speaking into her shoulder. An odd moment of clarity hits her. The memory of Alex and Maggie teasing her when she had tried to surprise them with a night out to a fancy restaurant but they had overheard the details when she was on the phone since her volume was always turned up. She isn’t sure how she feels about them overhearing this time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-” she tries. She’ll always try for them. “Lois—” Her voice catches in her chest and </span>
  <em>
    <span>it’s all too much</span>
  </em>
  <span> and she’s dropping Maggie’s hands and squirming out of Alex’s arms to push herself up against the pillows at the other corner of the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you need, Luce?”, Maggie presses.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She needs space and she needs to be in control of herself again and she needs to hit rewind so none of this ever happened. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But they haven’t quite figured out a fool-proof time travel solution that will grant her wish so Lucy just shakes her head and forces out a shaky breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ok, it’s ok,” Maggie says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But it’s not. Nothing is ok. Lucy isn’t ok and </span>
  <em>
    <span>Lois isn’t ok</span>
  </em>
  <span> and Lucy just. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How about,” Alex starts slowly, “we rest for a bit. You look exhausted, Luce.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lucy shouldn’t be tired. Last night she had slept deeply between her two favorite people in the world and slept in until the sun filtering through the apartment roused her. But she’s suddenly </span>
  <em>
    <span>exhausted</span>
  </em>
  <span> in a way she hasn’t felt before. Exhausted from the words in her brain and the meaning of them that’s threatening to overtake her the moment she gives in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So she nods, shuffles up on the bed to let Alex draw back the covers, and lies down in the middle of the bed where Maggie is gesturing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ve got you, Luce.” Maggie reaches out slowly, giving time for Lucy to pull away before draping her arm over Lucy’s hip. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Forever.” Alex settles behind Lucy and slots her arm around Lucy’s stomach. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everything is on the verge of breaking and she isn’t sure if she can really sleep, but this, being tucked between her girlfriends, being held together by their touch, is enough. Enough to convince her that, in this moment, it’ll be ok.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This is an idea that just popped into my head this morning and I vomited out in a couple hours. One day I'll learn to properly edit my work... </p><p>There's no right way to grieve and this is just my take on how Lucy might do so, which is inspired by my own experiences and the headcannons I have from the fandom.</p><p>I didn't expand in the fic, so my headcannon here is that Lucy and her family are not that close. Her dad cares about her, but can't accept that she's bi and dating two women, so Lucy tries to avoid contact when she can. And Lucy feels overshadowed by Lois in every way, so their conversations are usually a little tense and Lucy often feels like she can't really open up to her. Some of this is inspired by onefootonego (see <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/10609404/chapters/23459709">"Home is [Wherever I'm With You]"</a>)</p><p>And my take on Alex, Maggie, and Lucy and Director Sanvers (though will honestly not be very fleshed out here) is partly inspired by (in no particular order) <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/startingXI/pseuds/onefootonego">onefootonego</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tigerkid14/pseuds/Tigerkid14">Tigerkid14</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/daysofinspiration/pseuds/daysofinspiration">daysofinspiration</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/cantdrawshaw/pseuds/cantdrawshaw">cantdrawshaw</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/CameronFoss/pseuds/CameronFoss">CameronFoss</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/salamadersaurus_rex/pseuds/salamadersaurus_rex">salamadersaurus_rex</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/SapphicScholar/pseuds/SapphicScholar">SapphicScholar</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/bathtimefunduck/pseuds/bathtimefunduck">bathtimefunduck</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/tobewritten/pseuds/tobewritten">tobewritten</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/DontBeJelly/pseuds/DontBeJelly">DontBeJelly</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/rileynoah/pseuds/rileynoah">rileynoah</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/SandstoneSunspear/pseuds/SandstoneSunspear">SandstoneSunspear</a>, and <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisplacedWarrior/pseuds/DisplacedWarrior">DisplacedWarrior</a>, and <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/NerdsbianHokie/pseuds/NerdsbianHokie">NerdsbianHokie</a> (and the last two are where genderfluid!Lucy comes from). They all have wonderful fics that you should definitely check out!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Funeral</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW for misgendering and dysphoria. </p><p>It's a Leon day for genderfluid!Lucy here and he uses he/him pronouns.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The day of the funeral is a Leon day, but he has to go as Lucy since he has never and is never going to come out to his dad. He sees General Lane infrequently enough that it doesn’t matter enough to him. The pain of another rejection just isn’t worth it. </p><p>So when Maggie and Alex ask him what kind of day it was, he tries to lie. Tried to say words that tasted bitter on his tongue and sharp in his lungs. </p><p>Instead it’s “I want to bind.” It oddly feels like a nervous admission, like the first time he told them about just how much he repressed in the army. Follows it with a whispered “But I can’t,” and it feels like a step back in the closet.</p><p>“Oh Leon,” he hears Maggie sit down next to him on the hotel couch with two cups of hot chocolate that Alex had run out to get. He takes one gratefully with a <em> thanks</em>. Watches Alex join them with a steaming cup of her own. </p><p>He doesn’t need to say anything about why he’s torn up about today. They’ve talked about him coming out to other people, encouraged him to tell their close circle of friends, and supported him when he did. But they also all agreed that coming out to his dad was probably not going to help that familial relationship. </p><p>And coming out during Lois’s funeral would probably be worse than that. Probably rude, too.</p><p>So he’s here instead, psyching himself up for all the people that will call him <em> Lucy</em>, that will say <em> You were such wonderful sisters </em> (which was wrong in more than just one way), that will see him as a woman.</p><p>“I used to be good at this.” A strangled laugh that he cuts off. “Pretending.”</p><p>“We’ll be with you the whole time,” Alex reassures. </p><p>They’ll be at the funeral, but he is almost positive that his dad will want Leon to stand next to him and Clark to let people give their condolences. General Lane will level Alex and Maggie with a glare that says <em> I don’t want you next to my daughter </em> and were it any other time, Leon would fight or would leave. But it’s Lois’s funeral. He can’t. </p><p>So <em> We’ll be with you the whole time </em> rings hollow to his ears. </p><p>Something must show on his face, since Maggie’s saying “Hey, we see <em> you</em>, Leon.” </p><p>It’s better but it’s not just that. He also feels horrible since it’s Lois’s funeral and the biggest thing on his mind is that he’ll be misgendered for a few hours. It’s selfish. Lois is dead and he’s agonizing about himself.</p><p>But they don’t get any chance to talk more since Maggie’s phone alarm is sounding, letting them know that they need to start getting ready or they’ll be late. </p><p>The funeral is just as bad as he thought it was going to be. He stays by Alex and Maggie as long as possible and tries to let their little touches wipe away the dysphoria. Reminds himself that everyone is trying to be nice. Thinks that at least the pain and rage from dysphoria keeps him from crying from the other pain.</p><p>When he finally gets whisked away by his dad and Clark, it’s… weird. He’s still trying not to grimace at every <em> Lucy </em> and <em> sister </em> but. It’s nicer than he thought, to hear how others remembered Lois. To hear that people cared. It sits in juxtaposition to the dysphoria and he can’t figure out how to balance the two. It’s healing but it’s pain. He’d like to think that Alex would have some medical metaphor about that.</p><p>People slowly start to trickle out of the gathering hall and it’s empty enough that he can excuse himself with a line about being tired from traveling. The moment they’re out of General Lane’s sight, Alex and Maggie’s hands wrap around his and Leon doesn’t know what he would do without them. </p><p>They take him back to the hotel where he strips off Lucy and finally settles into himself. The compression of the binder feels right against his chest and the look of his packer makes him finally smile. </p><p>“Our handsome man,” Maggie says with a little smile and a head tilt. Leon joins her and Alex on the bed, ready to cuddle with his girlfriends and forget.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I really hate editing so I'm just publishing this. </p><p>I'm not sure if I really like the writing here, but I hope the themes make up for that. I really wanted to explore Leon feeling guilty/selfish at the funeral because of his dysphoria. I feel like I just scratched the surface, but I didn't want to drag it on or force them to discuss things that would probably be better left for another time. I am planning to write another chapter about dysphoria and grief though.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Dysphoria</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW for dysphoria.</p><p>Another Leon day for genderfluid!Lucy, and he/him pronouns.</p><p>And just to clarify, these chapters are all going to be connected, but not necessarily in a linear narrative. I don't have the ability to plan that far ahead, but I am trying to avoid egregious continuity errors. If you see anything though, let me know!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The aftermath of the funeral is when things finally catch up to Leon. The three of them have returned to National City and it’s a relief to be back home in Alex’s apartment. </p><p>But he’s avoiding mirrors, speeding through showers in the dark, and living in his favorite jacket that is just big and structured enough that it gives him a little extra mass but he’s not swimming in it.</p><p>He can usually get away without binding as long as he isn’t going out of the apartment but he hasn’t been able to take it off for the whole day. </p><p>It’s the worst dysphoria he’d felt in a long time and nothing is working to ease it. It sits in the front of his mind—the arch of his eyebrows, the size of his hands, and pretty soon he’s picking out everything he hates about himself in this moment and the thought crosses his mind that if Lois hadn’t died, he wouldn’t feel this way.</p><p>And the guilt isn’t even enough to distract him so he wallows in that, too.</p><p>The sound of the microwave beeping pulls him back into the apartment.</p><p>“Here, Lee,” Alex sets a plate of enchiladas in front of him. It’s the leftovers from yesterday, the food delivery that someone had set up for them. Alex had whispered in Maggie’s ear that hers were better and Maggie had preened and said <em> aww, you mean it babe? </em>and Leon could almost pretend that this was just a typical dinner, could almost pretend he’s skipped past this whole thing, but. </p><p>He figures it’ll get worse before it gets better. </p><p>They’re eating now and it feels like the silence is loaded. It’s not unusual for them to have a quiet night (sometimes after a long mission they just need to sit and be) but he feels like he’s avoiding them despite being in the same room and the words are tumbling out before he can stop to think</p><p>“I never told her.”</p><p>His words puncture the quiet, shatter the glass, knock down the wall of <em> I’m fine </em> he’s been building up and he can’t take it back now.</p><p>“About?” Maggie prods, trying to catch his eyes and she and Alex both know where this is going.</p><p>“About me.”</p><p>His chest hollows with a sudden longing and his arms and binder can’t squeeze tight enough to fill the space that’s left. He’s not crying but he feels his eyes water, drops his head to hide as if Alex and Maggie can’t see him breaking apart at the seams again.</p><p>“Oh Leon, come here.” Arms wrap around his hunched, shaking form, pulling him up and guiding him to the couch.</p><p>“We love you.” </p><p>Leon ends up on the couch in between Alex and Maggie</p><p>“It’s not—I don’t need—I just—” He tries to explain in starts and stops and tears bubble up from nowhere without his consent.</p><p>“Shh, take your time. And you don’t have to explain,” Alex’s hand flips up, offering it to Leon while Maggie slings her arm around his shoulders. </p><p>“No, it’s just,” Leon scrubs at his eyes with his free hand. “I don’t need her approval.” He’s never needed anyone’s approval, had long ago resigned himself to the fact that he would never come out, would lock up that part of himself, shove it in the corner and pretend it never existed. When he started dating Maggie and Alex, the knowledge that they were gay only reinforced the locks at first.</p><p>And when he finally worked up the courage to tell them, when he was met with open arms and a willingness to learn and <em> love</em>—</p><p>That was the acceptance he had been missing. What he wanted.</p><p>“I don’t need her approval,” he repeats, shakes his head to emphasize it. He doesn’t. He’s old enough that he shouldn’t need it. Has gone long enough without it that he shouldn’t need it. </p><p>“But I—I would have liked it.”</p><p>And that’s the truth.</p><p>Maggie’s saying “I know, I know” and she does, she does. </p><p>And there’s nothing to be done—he can speculate forever and never have an answer. </p><p>But he has this. Has his girls, their love, their comfort. And now, pressed between them, that’s what he needs to fill the hollow in his heart.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>After getting a taste of some of the wonderful trans/nb rep in the Supergirl fandom, I've been craving more. So here we are, another unedited kind of mess lol. This is absolutely self-indulgent and went in a different direction than I planned, but hopefully it scratches that itch for someone else! The other chapters I have planned aren't as focused on gender, but maybe I'll write another since this one got away from me. </p><p>I'm trans but not genderfluid specifically, so please let me know if I've misrepresented anything or if you have suggestions for improvement.</p><p>Also, please bind safely, but like. Fuck all the TERFs that try to say it will always mess up your body or prevent you from getting top surgery. It won't. What is safe for one person may not be safe for another, so listen to your own body, but don't feel like you can't/shouldn't bind at all, or that after 8 hours your body will suddenly start to deteriorate.</p><p>In other news, does anyone know if Lucy would have needed to go through some sort of typical basic training to be in the Army JAG Corps? Or just West Point? I want to know if I can throw a line in about short showers there. And I guess there's Afghanistan, but I don't think I want to dig that whole thing up.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Mom</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Another chapter that includes some genderfluid!Lucy and it switches between Lucy and Leon (he/him).</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The cardboard box remains stubbornly in the closet.</p><p>Or rather, Lucy stubbornly refuses to look at the box and has relegated it to the closet.</p><p>Lois’s box.</p><p>Pushed to the back and shrouded in shadow, it’s out of sight but certainly not out of mind.</p><p>Lucy is content to let it sit there, untouched. She doesn’t even know what’s in it (Clark had insisted on packing her a few things), but what would she want anyway? She isn’t going to wear Lois’s clothes, use her bags, or display any of her trinkets. There’s no practical use to opening it, so why bother?</p><p>Maggie doesn’t push the issue. She’s never been that attached to things, at least not after getting kicked out, and knows how little Lucy kept between moves (other than clothes, she supposes). Maggie is content to let Lucy set the pace for now.</p><p>Alex on the other hand, is a hoarder. Her room in Midvale is full of old trophies and awards, too small band t-shirts, and mixtapes of punk rock. And sure, a box of sentimental childhood things is different than a box of your dead sister’s belongings but </p><p>“What if there’s something you want to see in there? Maybe you won’t use it, but there might be good memories in there.”</p><p>Lucy raises an eyebrow. “Alex, I spent most of my childhood being annoyed by Lois and then most of my adult life avoiding her.” </p><p>“Hey, I know. I’m not trying to pressure you. Just, think about it? It might help.”</p><p>It’s not until a few restless nights have Lucy tense and on edge that she even considers Alex’s words seriously. </p><p>She slinks out of bed in the dead of night and sinks down in front of the closet. This is probably stupid. Nothing in the box will fix what happened. It can’t bring Lois back. It can’t heal their relationship. It’s just a box of stuff.</p><p>Yet Lucy is opening the closet anyway.</p><p>She feels around in the back. Apparently, shoving it in the darkest corner at the bottom of a pile of shoe boxes wasn’t the smartest move since one topples, spills its leather contents on to the floor, and Lucy’s <em> fuck </em> must have been louder than she intended since sleepy murmurs of “Luce?” and “You ok?” make her freeze.</p><p>She’s forced into the present, made aware of what she’s doing, and tries to backpedal. “Yeah, sorry, I was just looking for something. You guys go back to sleep.” It’s a weak excuse and she knows it. Alex and Maggie pad over to join her.</p><p>Their bodies are warm next to hers in the chilly night temperature and it’s quiet for a moment. Then Alex is reaching past her, pulling the box out from underneath the pile and slicing through the packaging. </p><p>“Should I?” Alex asks, hands ready to open the flaps, dark eyes meeting green. </p><p>Lucy opens her mouth and hesitates. There’s a reason she hasn’t opened this box. But there’s a reason she ended up here, reaching for it anyway. Alex’s eyes soften. “We’ve got you, Luce.” It’s an echo from the past, repeated enough that it’s wormed its way into Lucy’s heart and earned her trust. </p><p>She nods, steeling herself. </p><p>It’s… uneventful. There’s a scarf that Lucy had gifted Lois, bought from a little shop tucked in a corner that she stumbled upon when she first moved to National City. Next comes a fountain pen in a leather pencil bag, another gift. It’s engraved with a date and “Daily Planet”. </p><p>Lucy’s breath suddenly catches. She feels Maggie hand lightly rest on hers but Lucy’s eyes are stuck on the blanket now in Alex’s grip. It’s dark green and knit and as Lucy’s hands thread into it, she remembers that it was the softest blanket their family had owned. It was the one that their mother had used. Had brought with her to the hospital. </p><p>Lucy brings it up to her nose, almost expecting to inhale the sterile smell of disinfectant, but it’s just Lois and it’s so overwhelming that Lucy presses her face down into the blanket in her lap to hide her tears that are slipping hot down her cheeks.</p><p>Maggie’s gripping her hand tightly now and Alex has a hand on her back but all Lucy can focus on is how <em> stupid </em> this is since she’s crying over a fucking blanket of all things. Crying over this piece of the past that is Lois and their mom wrapped into one and Lucy wants to stop feeling since it’s all so <em> much</em>.</p><p>“Lucy, breathe for me.” She tries but her whole body is shuddering under the weight of her quiet sobs and the weight of this fucking blanket. </p><p>This is exactly why she didn’t want to open the box. Opening its contents has fractured a part of herself that she didn’t even realize could break and she doesn’t know how to piece it back together.</p><p>“It’s ok, you can let it out.” The space is filled with reassurances and gentle touches as Lucy counts the time between her breaths until she can regulate them. </p><p>
  <span>“What do you need, Luce?” Maggie asks, one hand in Lucy’s and the other rubbing circles on her back.</span>
</p><p>“Can, can we just go back to bed?”</p><p>“Course we can.” Lucy doesn’t let go of the blanket and Maggie doesn’t let go of Lucy’s hand, just helps pull her up to her feet with Alex there steadying her.</p><p>The bed is warm and she’s safe between Alex and Maggie, but she just, can't pull herself together.</p><p>It doesn’t go unnoticed. “What’s going on in your head?” Alex’s breath grazes Lucy’s neck, warm and gentle. </p><p>She doesn’t even know how to respond. Silence stretches as she tries to fit her thoughts together but it’s a stream of memories. Lois reminiscing about their mom’s cooking last year, fast forward to the two of them making one of her old recipes, rewind to the time Lucy had stumbled through a phone call to ask if Lois wanted to spend time together and talk about mom.</p><p>She whines, eyes closed. Worries her fingers along the edge of the blanket until she can whisper “Too much.”</p><p>“We’re here if you want to talk about it,” Maggie promises. </p><p>“Maybe… maybe in the morning.”</p><p>Maggie cups Lucy’s chin and waits her out, lightly brushing her thumb against Lucy’s cheek until she opens her eyes. “Whatever you’re thinking and feeling, it’s valid. You can let yourself feel. You don’t have to hide it from us.”</p><p>“She’s right, you know.” </p><p>“Don’t say that too often Danvers, it’ll get to her head.” Lucy huffs and shifts to rub her eyes. </p><p>Maggie lets herself smile and kisses Lucy, soft and slow and gentle while she tangles a hand in Lucy’s hair. When they pull apart, Lucy’s eyes are still red, but her breathing is more steady.</p><p>Alex’s arm curls around Lucy. “Think you can sleep for a bit?” </p><p>“...no.” Lucy admits, face pressed into Maggie’s shoulder.</p><p>“That’s ok. Can we just hold you?” </p><p>Lucy nods against Maggie and lets herself relax into her girlfriends. She focuses on their steady breaths, matching their pace until her mind quiets. </p><p>Much too early, morning rays filter through the room and Lucy knows that this peace won’t last. She just doesn’t expect it to end quite like it does.</p><p>She’s getting dressed after taking a shower when she notices it. A three ring binder. “Hey Alex? You left something at the bottom of the box?”</p><p>“Hmm?” Alex glances over from the bed, then hurries over. “Yeah, I just, didn’t think it was the right time last night to mention it.” Guilt tugs at her mouth. “I flipped through a little bit of it just this morning. I’m sorry. Really. I just wanted to be able to tell you what it was. And I do think it’s worth looking at.”</p><p>“It’s ok, Alex. Just, what is it?” No use in putting it off at this point.</p><p>“Ah, it’s… a recipe book. You should see it for yourself.”</p><p>Lucy takes the binder back to bed. It’s not too thick, probably about twenty pages or so. Opening it reveals a title page with elegant calligraphy—<em>Lois and Lucy’s Childhood Favorites</em>.</p><p>Something wells up in her chest and she chokes out “<em>Alex</em>.”</p><p>Alex reaches her hand out and lets herself be dragged up to the bed. Maggie steps out of the shower, eyebrows furrowed. “What’s going on?”</p><p>Lucy can’t answer, doesn’t dare to before seeing the rest. She turns to page to find kibbeh bil sanieh, and then molokhia, and then fasolia wa roz. Each page is a recipe from the past, printed in Lois’s neat handwriting. At the bottom of each, Lois had written her own notes on the spices and modifications and—</p><p>Her eyes water and she holds her breath, bites her lip and tries to shove it down. Lucy is so tired of crying, so tired of feeling, but the longing tugs at her heart as she takes it all in—all the memories Lois had written of their mom that curl around the corner and edges in contrast to the neatly spaced out recipes, as if she had so much to say and couldn’t bear to omit anything for the sake of aesthetics. </p><p>She turns over the last page and a loose slip of paper tumbles free. She takes it with shaking hands and reads. </p><p>“Lucy?” </p><p>“Clark says it’s a gift… that Lois had been making. And was planning on giving to me. She tracked down a bunch of recipes that our mom used to make and adjusted them until they seemed right, and added memories—” Her voice cracks on the last word, but the little <em> oh </em> and exhale from Maggie and Alex tells her they understand. The way their shoulders press into hers tells her they see her pain.</p><p>Maggie reaches over to the edge of the bed and runs her hands over the blanket from last night. "Is this related, too?"</p><p>
  <span>Little gets past her girls. "It was our mom’s. When she was in the hospital."</span>
</p><p>She works her jaw, gives herself to the count of three before forcing the last words out.</p><p>"I just feel like<span> I’m </span>losing her all over again," she chokes out. “Both of them. There’s just so much I don’t know and now—” the words won’t leave her mouth. Neither her nor Lois knew enough about their mom, but Lucy knew less. And while it had been a sore spot, it was one they were working on. One they were learning to use to bring them closer together. One that had sparked a little hope beneath all her cynicism that even this, even this could be overcome. And now Lucy is just left with this blanket and book, adrift.</p><p>“It’s a lot. We know,” Maggie whispers into Lucy’s hair, pressing kisses there. “You don’t need to explain now.”</p><p>“Thank you.” It’s hoarse and whispered and Lucy wonders if she will ever be able to explain. It’s Lois and mom, but it’s also the semblance of a family, her chance to reconnect, her culture and her heritage. She feels like there’s something missing now and it has vanished forever.</p><p>--</p><p>It turns out that some things do outlast death. When Leon walks into the apartment, the memories that come flooding in hold his feet in place at the doorway. The smell wafting from the kitchen is so distinctly <em> home</em>.</p><p>“Leon, you’re just in time. Surprise?” Alex pulls her attention away from the pot she’s stirring. </p><p>He just gapes at her for a second until Maggie cuts in. “Babe, you have to keep stirring that or it’s going to burn. It probably only needs another minute, too.” </p><p>“What is all this?” His legs are taking him over to the kitchen. </p><p>“This is what we decided was the easiest recipe to cook, to hopefully spare us all from food poisoning.” Maggie smiles and pulls him into a hug. “Hopefully this is a good surprise?” Her hesitance has him squeezing his arms a little tighter around her as he rests his chin against her shoulder.</p><p>“This is perfect. Thank you.”</p><p>Maggie hums and savors the closeness before pulling back. “The rice will be ready in about 15 minutes, so you’ve got time to shower and change.”</p><p>Once he’s showered and dressed, he returns to the table and Alex slides his plate over to him. “I just tasted it and I can guarantee that it’s edible! I followed all the instructions and Maggie was there and double checked and I’m not sure if it’s exactly right, but now I know how to make it and can adjust it if anything tastes off or—”</p><p>“Alex, breathe.” Leon cuts her off gently. “I’m sure it’ll be great. And I’m just happy that you guys even did this in the first place.”</p><p>“For you? Of course, Leon.”</p><p>He takes a bite and something in his chest slots back into place. “Alex, this—this is perfect.” He looks up to Alex and Maggie and meets their eyes. “I can’t tell you how much this means to me. I love you so much.”</p><p>This—this is not a substitute. He can still feel the cracks where something shattered in him for good. </p><p>But this—this can be a bridge. To something new and hopeful.</p><p>And he’ll have his girls with him every step of the way.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Inspiration comes mostly from <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24629983/chapters/59505517">SandstoneSunspear's Gifts - Kate/Lucy</a> and <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/10609404/chapters/23826486">onefootonego's fic here</a>. And partly from the recipe book that a college friend received from her mom that I thought was very sweet, which combined childhood photos and recipes. </p><p>And am I completely ignoring that Lucy’s dad has memories of Lucy’s mom? That other relatives exist? I’m a lazy writer… but I doubt Lucy’s keen to start that conversation anyway. And I’ve been sitting on this fic and really just need to finish it &gt;.&gt;</p><p>I’m marking this fic as complete, but I've got one more chapter idea that I feel good about and will hopefully write. And maybe inspiration will strike later as well. In any case, thanks for sticking with me and for the kudos and comments!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Ache</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Even now, after the grief has passed and Lucy’s thoughts no longer seem to jump to Lois every several hours, it still aches sometimes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Deep in her chest, there’s that jagged wound. Scarred over but throbbing to the beat of heavy footsteps carrying the casket. And with every footfall, Lois moves farther and farther away and Lucy is impossibly lonely for her sister she sometimes feels she barely knew.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s ripped open by every </span>
  <em>
    <span>should have</span>
  </em>
  <span> and held gaping by every </span>
  <em>
    <span>what if</span>
  </em>
  <span> and yes—Lucy knows that it’s useless to dwell, but sometimes her brain doesn’t quite follow and her mind makes her body ache with it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In those moments, if he’s Leon, he makes sure to use his newer binder to press on his torso, to contain the emptiness inside so it doesn’t spill over the edge and take him with it. On Lucy days, it’s her tightest sports bra and DEO spandex just to feel something compress against her skin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And it’s Alex and Maggie holding her, grounding her as each beat and throb threatens to rock her off kilter until she’s slipping and falling into herself, making herself small to try to shrink the pain inside.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That’s how they are now, with Lucy sandwiched between the two of them on the bed. Their warmth and touch that otherwise might be suffocating gives her something to cling onto and reminds her that she’s not alone. She times her breaths to theirs, slow and steady, until she’s grounded enough to speak.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Distraction? We can watch something and I’ll get tea.” It’s the tried and true method of bringing her down more until the ache fades.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, any preferences?” Alex presses a kiss to her temple and rolls over to grab her laptop on the nightstand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The Great British Bake Off episode we fell asleep to.” Lucy pulls away from Maggie and goes to the kitchen for tea. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It helps to do something with her hands. The weight of the kettle is solid in her grip once it’s filled and even if the electric stove doesn’t crackle at first like her gas one, the glowing red ring is something to focus on. Reaching up, she pulls down mugs and the chamomile lemon tea—they need to stock up on more soon. The box has changed since she started buying this tea and she’s just starting to memorize the new label with the history behind the company and their efforts to be environmentally friendly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The kettle starts to whine and Lucy smoothly takes it off to pour three cups, followed by three bags of tea. It takes five minutes to steep and she counts the 300 seconds down in her head steadily. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She hits zero and brings the tea over to the bed where Alex and Maggie are sitting up by the headboard and Alex’s laptop is placed in front of them. Lucy settles in and sips from her mug, the liquid trickling from her mouth down her throat to settle warm in her stomach until it radiates out through her. With each passing minute of the show, her muscles relax more, only interrupted by laughter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Feeling better?” Maggie asks once they’ve finished the episode. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lucy takes stock of herself. The ache in her chest has dulled enough that she doesn’t need to think about it and her thoughts feel controlled again. “Yeah, much better.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good.” Lucy doesn’t need to see Maggie to know she has a soft smile on her face, the one where the right side of her mouth is tugged up and her eyes go gentle. “And keep letting us know when you need this, need us.” The mug is pulled from Lucy’s hands and set to the side, Alex’s and Maggie’s hands tangling in hers instead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She bites back the compulsion to say that she’s managing fine on her own. It’s not quite a lie anymore; she has gotten much better. But she also knows that her girlfriends? They feel better when they know Lucy isn’t shouldering this on her own. So she acquiesces, nods and hums softly. And because this, this quiet support, is exactly what keeps her grounded.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Fun fact- while writing this ship, I've looked at pictures of Alex's apartment so many times, and just finally noticed that she has an electric stove. For the longest time I was wondering where the hell she was hiding her stove burners.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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